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O you who believe! Ward of from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angles stern (and) serves, who disobey not, (from) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded. (It will be said in the Hereafter) O you who disbelieve (in the Onenes! Make no excuses this Day! You are being requited only for what you used to do. ( al Tahrim:6-7)

from Hazrat Abu Huraira (raa) has narrated: "said the Prophet (saaw), When my "Ummat" begin to attach more importance to the world and to regard it as a source of glory, the awe and importance of Islam will vanish their hearts. When they give up the practice of enjoining good and forbidding evil, they will be deprived of the blessing of Revelation, and when they begin to indulge in mutual recrimination, they will fall low in the eyes of Allah.."

Justice and peace are the core of Islam and essential need for human being. Peace of course, is a natural outcome of justice. However, they are not mutually exclusive. Justice in its comprehensive meaning and implication include among other things to properly recognize everyone's due right. If you fail to do so you would be in war with those whose right you abuse until they get their due right. Is peace necessary for family success? What role does peace play in the family? And haw can peace be achieved in the family. Indeed, peace is the first essential ingredient for a success in family. Thus, Allah stated in Qur'an 30: 21" And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them. And He put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect". In this verse, Allah has pointed out that He put love and mercy between spouses hopefully they may dwell in tranquility. In deed, tranquility, love and mercy all are indications of peace and justice. Naturally speaking, children who grow up in a peaceful house live peaceful, productive and dynamic lives. To achieve peace in the family as Muslims or as any subscriber of other divine religion, one must abide by the rules and instructions laid down by Allah and His messenger. Failing to do so we will never have peace. Surely, in this is a message for any that has a heart and understanding and gives ear and is an earnest witness" Qur'an 36: 37

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful, the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our beloved and humble prophet Muhammad, and upon his family and companions. When marriage is spoken of during these "modern" times, Muslims become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage, trying to find that "perfect" companion, how much of a financial burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that Islam came to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately we have integrated our local traditions and customs with Islam so that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather than a delightful experience. When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society, the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome. He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown at him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on, when he said: "O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves one from immorality..." When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful household, and how you will know who she is. As Muslims, we believe that Allah wants the best for us, and that His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated this through his own life. So note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.

Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." This specifically defines just what kind of a companion we are seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery. True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it may be that through your intention of marrying her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway. In another hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious woman!! This point has been stressed many times by Rasulallah (s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the following ayah was revealed: "They who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it in the way of Allah, unto them give tidings of a painful doom." On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be branded therewith (and it will be said to them): "Here is what you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard' "[al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has been quoted to say that, when this ayah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (s.a.w), submitting that the ayah weighed heavily on the minds of the Sahaba. Rasulallah (s.a.w) replied that "The best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen, obeys orders instantly and takes full care of herself and her husbands property when he is away." Abu Bakr once asked Rasulallah (s.a.w) what was the best thing to be treasured, and he (s.a.w) replied: "The tongue in remembrance of Allah, the heart filled with thanks to Allah, and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds". Look at how valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allah! How can a man live unhappily with such a person.

Alright, you say, you've convinced me, but what actually makes her a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allah himself has described those qualities most loved by Him in the Qur'an, and in the ahadith there are numerous accounts of the virtuous attributes of a pious woman. The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities. "And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity"[an- Nur:26] "Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard"[an-Nisa:34] "It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel and fast..."[al-Tahrim:5 ]. And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities loved by Allah, qualities which by the way should be evident in both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the following attributes: 1) Muslim woman, 2) Devout woman, 3) believing woman 4) true woman 5) woman who is patient and constant 6) woman who humbles herself 7) woman who gives charity 8) woman who fasts and denies herself 9) woman who guards her chastity 10) woman who engages much in Allah's praise. Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by Allah because of her religious qualities: "O Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with those who bow down"[al-Imran:43]. Another was the wife of Pharaoh: "And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden' "[al-Tahrim:11]. The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of their religious qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities of Zainab: "(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes of Allah's Messenger (s.a.w), and I have never seen a woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus more closer to Allah, the Exalted, than her." Ahh, you think, but you'll never find such a woman! Well, if that was true, Allah would not have described her in the first place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction. Sure, the perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good" [an-Nisa:19]. Remember that you are not perfect either.

To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, and that first one relies on your personal observation. In surah Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women that they should "lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments," and also that they "should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments"[an-Nur:31]. If you notice a woman acting modestly, being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions (which includes her external beauty as well as her internal charms), then you know she has some of those precious qualities. When you see a woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about her revealing clothes, and freely converses with males- keep far, far away. I'm sure when you get married you want your wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty other "just good friends". Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her time etc. Look for her strong points, and don't stress on her weak ones. Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most Important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her movements, read her Diaries (all of which I consider extreme and unIslamic), yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart and intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more religious, or whether you are suitable for each other, except for Allah.

We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge. Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognize His infinite knowledge and wisdom. Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allah. It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)." I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him. Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the carer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent. When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them"[al-A'raf:189]. Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74]. I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him"[ al-Imran:159]. May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves. "When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way"[al-Baqarah:186].

Take the example of a mirror to conceptualize how men and women can appear to be similar yet be so different. The psychological differences between men and women can be likened to the reflection in a mirror. When you look into the mirror, you see yourself. At least you think it is you. When you look a little closer you find that although the image looks like you, it is very different. Your mirror reflection is backward! Everything is turned around. The feminine psychology is a mirror reflection of the masculine psychology. In many ways, men and women are like reflections of each other-different but complementary. ( John Gray, Ph. D. 1993 )

This short note of reminder is for my dear brothers and sisters who just came back from Hajj recently.� It is of course for the reading pleasure of the rest of us too but, only as a reference guide for our future arrival back from Hajj Insha Allah. I just received a newly published� fascinating book titled �A life time journey� by Ahmad H. Sakr Ph.D on behalf of our mosque and I just couldn�t help but include some aspects of� one of the chapters in this newsletter.� May Allah bless and reward the author abundantly.

�� I wish I have enough space to do justice to the whole chapter. However, I will skip the introduction and other parts of the chapter and start� right off with the author�s final remarks thus:

�� Hajj is not a vacation to Disneyland, to Hollywood, Sea World, Niagara Falls or other places like that.� Hajj is a pillar of Islam. The climax of the rituals in Islam is Hajj. It demands sacrifice, not only an animal, but time, effort, energy, money and traveling to please Allah. If Muslims observe the sanctity and religiousity of the pilgrimage, they may attain forgiveness from Allah for their previous mistakes.� After coming from Hajj, each and every one of them should be a role model of a practicing Muslim.� They should never brag about having performed Hajj. They should not demand from people to call each one of them Hajj or Hajja. Such titles don�t reflect honesty and sincerity of those who performed Hajj.

�� After Hajj, Muslims are to encourage others and help someone who needs financial help to go for Hajj.� They should speak good about the places, the facilities and the services rendered to them.� In this situation, they should remember that they are representing Allah and His Prophet (pbuh). They are to talk to people about Hajj as if they were speaking on behalf of Allah and His Messenger (pbuh).� Muslims should know how to save money and how to reduce their life expenses in order to plan to perform Hajj.

�� Hajj is not for everyone but, if Allah chooses you, you should be grateful to Him.� You try to obey Him and be a good example and a role model to others.� We pray the best for all Ameen.� �And help one another in furthering virtues and God consciousness and not help one another in furthering evil and enmity (Qur�an 5:2).

�� P.S-The next (2^nd quarter) issue of MFS newsletter may contain the other aspects of this interesting chapter-�After Hajj� Insha Allah.� Don�t you miss it.� You might want to call MFS office if you are interested in being on our mailing list.

Muslim Families are at Risk
By: Amin Jibril
President, Muslim Family Services, Detroit

Emergence of Muslim Communities
The presence of Muslims in USA and Canada dates back centuries. However, the rise of Muslim communities across large and small towns of North America is a relatively new phenomenon, Thanks Allah. Healthy and stable families are essential for us to keep our communal identity. Muslim families gain strength from the Islamic Centers, Islamic Schools and the community social support system.As a community, first we built the Masajids and Islamic Centers. Then came full-time Islamic schools. Now it is the time to build the social support system.

Families are fragile When we look around us, we see the signs of wear and tear in Muslim families. Some families are facing separation resulting in dispersion of kids. While in other families, the dynamics of relationship is deteriorated to a level that it is not only affecting the lives of the spouses, but also adversely damaging the development of the kids - who are our future and the future of Islam.

The situation is aggravating due to several factors playing against the strengthening of the families. They could be summarized in three broad categories:

Almost all Muslims in North America are going through some sort of transition. Our community consists of: New coverts (revert) to Islam, immigrants from Muslim lands, and second generation of new and immigrant Muslims. Converts transit from their old family, culture, friends, etc. Immigrants transit from stable extended family environment to single unit families. Second generation adults face transition from their parents' cultures to yet emerging 'American Islamic' culture. Like any other transition, this transition is bearing stress on our family lives.

American social values are based on individualism (strong personality vs. family/team orientation), materialism (vs. contention) and haste (Arabic a'jla) (vs. patience and sacrifice). These social values develop high performing individuals at the expense of family stability. Popularity of feminism demonizes the women who reject the modern notions of women liberation (to the point of rebellion to the family focus). This is a reason of high divorce rate in North America.

A large social and commercial enterprise exists to support the falling families. However, Muslim families are not getting the help due to lack of information/access or the disagreement over their remedies.

Due to above three reasons, Muslim families are at higher risk and the failure rate in our community is likely to surmount.

Prevention is always better than cure
The question is: What shall be our response? First thing we need to do is recognize the importance of health of our family on our lives and our kids' lives. We take it granted - it is the other spouse who needs to learn and accommodate!

This realization would not come, but with an aggressive educational program. Currently our Masajids, Schools, Islamic Centers and publications focus very little on the dynamics of spousal relationship. Parenting is often discussed, but mostly in the context of abstinence from drugs and sex. Little effort has gone into cultivating values that would make kids better spouses when they will get married. Values like respect, sacrifice, contention, patience, team spirit, consultation within family (yes, consulting with wife), and listening (yes, listening to husband): are scarce in our educational programs.

Imams and community leader must re-evaluate school curriculum and the topics for lectures (halaqas) and should repeat the family-strengthening message over and over. Traditionally, historic biographies and stories are used to cultivate such deep-rooted values, but we have very few available for American Muslim teenagers.

We take families granted - the reality is that it requires constant reinforcement by show of affection, by refocusing the life style, and by removing the obstacles that could jeopardize the family harmony. This requires continuous reminder - tazkeer - educational program that accounts the factors at play in family dynamics.

Few scholars in our community adequately comprehend the complexities of family life in North America among various section of our population. It would be nice if our murabeen (speakers) could refresh their understanding of the issues by reading both Islamic and contemporary family related literature or seek formal training.

Seek help before it is too late
Given the currents against family health, and due to human nature, there will always be families who would struggle to keep harmony. The key is to recognize the difficulty - sit together (or alone) and develop a plan to work on it. And when you don't make progress, seek the help - no need to be shied or hiding -still you haven't loose any thing. If it get worse, a lot will be at stake.

You could seek the assistance of a relative, family friend, Imam or professional counselor. Most Of our Imams do not have arbitration training, anyway they deal with such cases more often than anyone else and they seek the guidance from Islamic teachings - they are a good place to go to. A true counseling program consisted of multiple sessions goes long way in improving the family dynamics. Counseling could help till a certain stage, if you delay to consult beyond a threshold, it is very difficult to back track.

For our respected Imam and community leaders, my recommendation is to seek a formal training on family arbitration that is available in most communities. You could search for a provider in your area by searching through web under family counseling and family arbitration. Establishment of a counseling committee from amongst the elders in the community is a second step to further institutionalize the exercise. The currents destabilizing family harmony are strong; only sustained and systemic programs could help alleviate the disastrous outlook await our community.

Muslim Family Services (MFS), Detroit
Muslim Family Services in Detroit, Michigan, is a division of ICNA Relief (Islamic Circle of North America). Our mission is to assist and facilitate the attainment and flourishing of the families based on Islamic teachings through educational, counseling, and liaison services.

Our Objectives include the following: